Aku yang 11 tahun yang lalu

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh...

Dipertemukan aku dengan dua orang cikgu dari alma mater ku pagi tadi. Bila ditanya tahun SPM baru kusedar sudah 11 tahun berlalu. Cikgu masih nampak sama, masih mengajar di sekolah yang sama. Sedangkan pelajarnya berserakan di muka bumi, mengejar cara hidup yang tersendiri. Dan kalau ada masa dan jodoh, jalan hidup menemukan kita kemvali. Tapi pada setiap masa itu, kita masih murid dan mereka masih guru.

Ditanyakan, mahukah kembali ke sekolah bercakap dengan adik-adik sebagai motivasi. Lalu terkenangkan dori yang 11 tahun duli, ilmunua dan pengalamannya kurang sikit, tapi betapa optimisnya memandang ke depan. Kemahuanku jelas walau jalannya samar. Aku mahu jadi seorang doktor dan jika dapat jadi doktor aku telah berjaya. (Lebih indah lagi jika selepas sekolah bisa temui cinta dan bahagia selamanya <- pemikiran 17 tahun)

Seusai tamat persekolahan, diberikan beberapa peluang dan pilihan. Tidak kurang juga beberapa penolakan. Akhirnya jalan yang jelas terbentang dan aku memilih jalan itu dan Alhamdulillah impian ku tercapai. Dan apa yang menanti di sebalik sebuah impian?

Di sebalik impian yang yercapai terbentang lembah kemungkinan yang luas. Di datarannya tercambah impian-impian baru, jalan - jalan baru pun terbuka. Doktor apa? Doktor yang bagaimana mahu aku jadi? Setinggi mana lagi harus aku kejar? Sedlam mana harus aku pergi? Dan dimensi- dimensi baru terbuka lagi, keluarga semakin membesar, tanggungjawab kian bertambah, minat yang terpendam, bakat yang minta diasah, keinginan untuk menjelajah dunia, harapan untuk berbakti dan meninggalkan sebuah legasi... semuanya bercampur baur seperti ramuan dalam kendongan Musang Berjanggut. Aku harus menyusun hidupku dengan jelas dan membuang elemen yang tidak perlu.

Mujur ada pengalaman mengajarku. Impian aku yang 11 tahun lalu sememangnya begitu ringkas, tapi kemahuanku tinggi maka walaupun ada payahnya Alhamdulillah dipermudahkan juga. Kepayahan, kekecewaan dan waktu-waktu yang menyedarkan aku kekerdilan diri tetap ada dan Alhamdulillah, aku selalu didampingi sahabat dan keluarga. Terima kasih.

Dan malam ini, walaupun keletihan, aku harus bersemangat meneruskan usaha untuk menjadikan hidup ini bermakna.

-
drMyrisstyca- 21 oct 2014

PMC Pre-Farewell

Assalamualaikum wbt and hye!

Firstly, congratulations to all my PMC 2011 colleagues for passing through our final exams together. Alhamdulillah, all praise be to Allah for such wonderful gift.

A Place to remember

I hope everyone will be great doctors and continue to learn and grow. Maybe next time I see you all are mo's and specialist. Or future DG. hehe

"The practice of Medicine is an art, not a trade;a calling, not a business;  a calling in which your heart will be exercised equally with your head. Often the best part of your work will have nothing to do with potions and powders, but with the exercise of an influence of the strong upon the weak, of the righteous against the wicked, of the wise upon the foolish".

~ Sir William Osler

What I like in PMC is after a windy day, you can see petals gathering on the parking lot like this.

I really hope to see you guys again and hope we will still be in touch. Remember me in your prayers.

"Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning."

~Sir Winston Churchill, Nov 1942

Bubble tea madness is not the same without equally maniac colleagues.

I hope to remember all the wonderful memories we have together and cherish every moments. But sometimes we do forget.... If you see me on the streets sometimes in the future, and somehow I didn't recognize you guys/girls, do say hi to me (and treat me to a dinner).

Totally random: The day the big tree was going down.

See you all on graduation day.... and in the future, God willing. :)

Prisoner.

Assalamualaikum wbt....

I was looking up to my room ceiling in random contemplation. Somehow I ended up staring at the fluorescent lamp (which is not a good idea for your eyes!) and realised.... if I focus my view to the centre of my ceiling, I still can appreciate the four corners of room in my field of vision. Meaning... my room is quite small.

Like this....

It made me think, how big a prison cell is so I stumbled on this...

Picture taken off google image.

..which is a prison cell (a comfy one nonetheless). That kind of resembled my room layout which is like this...

Room layout.

Pertaining to the picture above:
Yes, you need to have maximum dimension of 29 cm at 0-74cm from floor level to pass through that small gap. Thats why I should not gain weight.
Yes, I handmade a table out of duct tape, some metal skeleton of a worn out flail plastic "cupboard".  (So comot and un-lady-like kan? Dont worry, after some homey table runner... it looks kinda okay.) If you need some space for your humongous collection of semi-junk craft and "art" paraphernalia, you will start keeping a another type of junk and make a table out of it. haha.. Okay, its only me.

It have extra storage room and a long rod to hang some random stuff.

Looks kinda sloppy but actually real strong.

The legs completely duct-taped (combination of 2 rods).

Honestly, if I know how to weld I will not use duct tape. But hey, duct tape binds anything! Hahaha...(eh... no it doesn't bind people. Eh... it does... but it doesn't bind people's heart.)

Okay, enough straying....
Thats what you get trying to squash all your belonging into a room so you can call it a home (or a cave). Haha... at least you have everything within you arm's reach! This little sweet prison of mine... which I will hopefully abandon and leave after 2 weeks from now. For now, I'll endure being its prisoner, semi-tortured by books and notes until my time is due. I will try to exhibit good conduct and behavior so I'll pass the trial and be free to face the real world. (not on patrol, but a fully free individual).

The room, during day 1 relocation to this room (no langsir yet).

p/s- Yes, Ill be leaving that hideous handmade table if anyone is wondering. :p

Catch, Hold, Release.

Assalamualaikum wbt...

Last night I allowed myself to catch up with an old friend.I was considerably busy, but I did not feel of letting go of the conversation. I didn't remember the last time we had a good chat. Though I could only appreciate her in words without visual or auditory stimuli, there was still the same heart I knew behind those words. The one capable of making the counterpart inside me did a little back-flip out of excitement. She reminded me, why I keep her dear.

Time does funny things to us. It make the meeting long ago a distant memory. With memory comes sentimental values. I think thats what making the past seems so cinematic. Its something you conjure out of your brain, then somehow you end up adding your own feelings to it, which form and reform the image. Can they really be that reliable? Bits and pieces I can recall, but perhaps not the whole picture. But that little pieces forms a string that ties our hearts together, albeit being loosened  by time. Its up to us to tug it up and strenghten back the bond.

We dont talk to each other daily or even weekly or monthly like the old times. Back then we will gossip, share our little secrets and fear and troubles,laugh and cry together. How lonely one's heart without another. Now we have our own persons, and life and responsibility. Now we start talking about life,  old times and old friends... we may not go back to where we were, but savouring the fact that with years we grow and our penumbra grows, I think its fine if we can still shine in each other's sky, even as a little star. We were each other's sunshine.

Congratulations on your coming little one,dear.

When I'm afraid...

Assalamualaikum wbt and good day to everyone...

I'm not a particularly strong or brave person. I'm not unafraid of the dark, the unknown and the dangerous. Being scared is sometimes the right feelings to have. Why? Because it makes you aware and cautious.

Like pain, its a sign. Pain tells you there is something wrong with the body so you will seek for help. Acute pain can also help your body knows when and to what direction to withdraw yourself to avoid further damage. (in case of "pain withdrawal reflex"). You can endure the pain when you need too (unless its too severe you will need help) .

Fear is something we can endure too.

“Courage is not the absence of fear but the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all. For now you are traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be.”, quote by Meg Cabot.

"Scared if what you are feeling, brave is what you are doing." , quote from The Room by Emma Donoghue.

I find that sometimes we have to be the brave one in the group. When everyone is afraid someone needs to put up a brave front (God knows how you feel inside) to function and lead the group. Some people prefer denial, to avoid "the elephant in the room". For example, you know it but you don't say it. (Ala "Jangan tegur..." hehe) Some people choose to deflect a little and distract themselves.

This is my little distraction aka (bad) coping mechanism.

Tada! Mr Felt Cat 

Rear-view.

"Blood-seep through bandage" broken heart 

[haha... beating around the bush to reach the point,kan?]

Anyway... tomorrow is scary but I just have to face it.

p/s- I fear God and Hellfire though.

Word salad for thought

Assalamualaikum wbt...

Someone told me something to this effect (paraphased):

"Buat sang katak di bawah tempurung, apakah bezanya kaca dan intan?"

Not that it matters much,kan? Tapi bila dia cuba keluar dari tempurungnya, ke sebuah kerajaan yg menggunakan intan untuk survive... then it matters. 

Tau tak cerita ugly duckling? Yang anak itik yang kononye tak hensem, tetiba bila besar jadi macho giler sbb rupanya dia tu swan. Krisis identiti betul kan? 

Masa darjah berapa ntah, sy kene tulis cerita autobiografi. I think its for an english essay. I wrote about this little fish making friends with some guppies. Then he developed some itchyness.... and legs! He thought he is a mutant  ... later he figured out he is a frog. It must be funniest autobiography the teacher ever read... Usually its about "Aku sebatang pen" that subsequently thrown out or something to that effect,kan?

Hehehe....

Kesian kan? He must have thought that he is one of those beautiful guppies but end up a frog, kalau toad lagi kesian haha... But that, judging from paras rupa. In the end, frogs leh tahan gak sbb boleh jadikan guppy2 tu santapan dia. Apa ngarut dah....

Tapi kan... kalau in real life... 

I hope that like that tadpole who grew legs.... 

I will grow stronger, wiser, better... maybela tak physical nye changes kan, kang samada kene join Xmen, atau jadi bahan ujikaji....

And some people will grow spine (and responsibility). And be a useful person to society, family and themselves.

In the pouring rain...

Assalamualaikum and good day to everyone...

It has been raining in the afternoon lately. Sometimes it pours, morning, noon and night too. Im not good in geography... is this monsoon season or something? Or its just the earth getting funny with all this tsunamis, earthquakes and hurricanes.

One day last few weeks, it was raining heavily as Im going to morning wardwork. There was a traffic jam along the way to hospital because a huge tree breaks at the trunk, fall on a concrete (i presume) electric pole and both fall over on a car parking by the roadside. Things... just happen like that. It can happen to anyone. If you lose your car only that thats lucky, you could be inside and bye bye life!

Things like this...

We had our last surgery rotation in Taiping early this week. Taiping means a hotel stay and with that comes aircond, nice beds and Astro. With Astro comes Discovery channel and as we were settling down cozy with our Oxford handbook in hands (for rapid revision), we came across the documentary about the recent tsunami in Japan.. In the documentary they showed how the initial earthquake comes about, and videos on how the initial wave come sweeping. There was a footage showing people running away from building during earthquake. One of them went to the open field...

Adah said something like, "Ha, that person will be safe (from object falling on him) as he is on open field..."

"But he cant run if the tsunami come and sweep him... or the earth on which he crouch, split open and engulf him whole." , I interjected.

Truly, if its Allah's will.... can you run away? This has really made me feel, oh how small we are, how tiny and weak we are....

But one thing that touched me, was when disaster happens, people will go out and look out for their family and loved ones. Okay, minus the panicky moments when we just think of saving ourselves. I told Adah, "In situation like this, we might not be able to look after our family, kan? Coz we are the frontliners.... we have to be in our doctor's cap in situation like this."

Like the firefighters and the paramedics and the police and the army.... and all those who have responsibilities. Like the people who are working hard in Fukushima Daiichii, putting life on line for others. If one day things happen, not that Im praying for disaster... but... just in case, we will be there for you. :)

We will be there for you... That also what I have been thinking as I drove to hospital one afternoon in a heavy rain. I started thinking what will happen if it floods heavily? (Few episodes of flash flooding has deterred my way to hospital few days earlier). I still have to go to work then. Cause people will need us then.

So I arrived in hospital 20 minutes early from an anaesthesia teaching, parked around 300 meters away from the nearest shelter. Can't get out of the car because its raining cats and dogs. And I do not have any umbrella... yes, I get it..."Sediakan payung sebelum hujan". I don't want to be drenched like the kitty I saw in the drain in Kuantan (it was saved by good samaritan). So I waited for the rain to stop or getting lighter.

For illustration purpose only.

5 mins to the class... no change. Remembering that I my resolution on the way.... "We are needed, rain or shine!" I stepped out into the rain and got my kitty look at the end of 300 meters. (and wierd looks from passerby(s). Sure it was not my paranoia.) Good thing we have to change before getting into the operation theatre. But I was late... so I got a little scolding. haha....

p/s- Yesterday I got a small blue umbrella from Daiso. Blue for the cooling effect under the sun.

How To Spare Your Loved Ones Heartaches

Assalamualaikum wbt and hye :)

Its been a while, everyone. I am currently happily doing my elective posting in Hospital S. (anonymous :p ). Beneath layers of stubborn lazyness and procrastinations (in revising), its actually nice experience.  But thats another story. Lets go to the "meat" of this post. I have been away from medicine posting for about a semester. In this elective posting, Im back doing medicine. I seen a lot of chronically ill patient, and their loved ones also ( or more accurately, ones who love them.) in these few days.

Such chronic (long term) and severe illnesses, are such a toll (physically and mentally) not just to the patient but to their relatives. Imagine being bed bound, with oxygen mask on... seeing your wife crying by the bedside, but you have no strength even to sip a few drops of drinks, no mention to pat her back and say its all right (sometimes, its really NOT ALLRIGHT). Its not only your heart that is broken (literally or figuratively), but their hearts too.

I saw briefly today a doctor telling a wife about her husband's bad prognosis (outlook).  There is not much that can be done, because the husband's condition is so bad. I was standing so far away so I cannot really see her facial expression. But I tried to appreciate whats running through her heads and whats swelling in her heart. I don't suppose its a very pleasant feeling.

The thing about getting sick or ill is, its true that, when it comes, you have to face it. And it happens. It may happen to you or just anyone. It may just be your bad luck, its in your gene, you may get into an accident... or be a bit clumsy.... However, be reminded that a huge chunk of maladies actually is preventable by simple gestures of everyday life.

Remember the TV commercial about the hazards of smoking? (Brilliant!!!! I hope it touch some hearts...)



 "Don't break my heart.", in the end...thats what Im talking about.

Change your lifestyle :) . Bit by bit each day. make it a habit. Do it for the one you love and loving you. (Sorry and beware, Im in my "kempen kesihatan preaching mode".) For Muslims, even in Islam, the concept of "Prevention is better than cure" is evident, eg. Not doing things that predispose to adultery... (just see how messy the social problem it cause...)

How To Spare Your Loved Ones Heartaches (Health Edition)

1. Quit, reduce or never start smoking. Yes, it may lead to future heartaches... if the heartaches has not started yet; because yes... it might be annoying to family members/friends (maybe they don't say it or just keep it in..). Be kind. Be considerate.
2. Reduce sugar and salt in diet. 
3. Exercise! Do small things first like parking a bit far and walk a lot, using stairs instead of elevators... then build things up. Remember to be istiqamah (to persevere). And keep in mind to have "Today better than yesterday, and tomorrow better than today." at the very least. :) Losing weight appropriately seriously can do wonders to reduce existing/future problems. (You look hotter too, haha... but please have healthy body image, ok. No need to be stick figure also.)
4. Eat good food. In Islam," Halalan Toyyiba" (Halal and Good for you) 
5. Avoid accidents. This include having safe home/transport conditions, to drive safely, to wear protectives when necessary and stuff like that.
6. For Muslims please, no alcohol. But for those who take them, just remember that taking too much is not good. Love your liver!!!
7. Take good and enough rest. :)

So, thats all just for now. They are just the things that everyone knows but everyone don't do. There is a lot more, like please take care of yourself if you are ill/having conditions and follow the advices that were given for your wellbeing (eg: taking medications).

I have some personal view that, when I am not taking care of myself or inflict something harmful to self, eg: taking too much salt when I know it can give me hypertension or electrolyte imbalance (over2 plak) and further medical problems... its just like choosing a slow route to suicide. Slow... but still stupid and suicidal. And to do harm to self when you know it, I don't think is a virtue of a good Muslim.

So... remember that loving yourself is a part of loving the ones you love. Don't waste your years of affection and sacrifice, but still (in-a-way-uselessly-)sacrificing yourself in the end, when its preventable altogether.

Love,
Munirah

Post-exam = Post Ictal

Its day 1 after POPPH (Psychiatry, Obs and Gynae, Paediatrics and Public Health) final exams a.k.a 2 weeks of horror with different discipline back to back everyday, the written, the OSCE and the clinical examination. It still feels surreal. I had like 101 plans for after exam, list of movies to watch, dramas to swoon, painting to finish and ATC (Artist Trading Card) to make, postcards and letters to write, places to go, cake to bake... haha... it might overshoot 101. But here I am blankly staring at the wall... oh I see a spider... lets add no 102. Cleaning my room.


For me, post-exam state is just like post-ictal state.
"Following a seizure it is common to experience feelings of exhaustion, both mental and physical, that can last for a day or two."
The symptoms are...

• Depression (suddenly loss the "reason for living on" which is during exams, reading and practicing a lot.)
• Loss of energy (energy supplies drained in 2 weeks of staying up and poor diet.)
• Drowsiness ( "PILLOWS~~~")
• Nausea 
• Confusion and inability to think clearly, specifically “poor attention and concentration, poor short term memory, decreased verbal and interactive skills, and a variety of cognitive defects specific to individuals. (what should I do???)
• Hypertension and maybe migrain also, haha (coz thinking of your performance during exam and also the impending result).

Hurm, exam is also pretty much like an induced seizure ("abnormal excessive or synchronous neuronal activity in the brain" = READ READ READ READ READ...)... we know its coming but usually still manage to shake our nerves to the core. Lucky for me it only last 2 weeks, if not Im going to have "status epilepticus", which is life threatening!!!

Joking aside, Alhamdulillah Im glad its over. So, lets hope for the best my dear friends. I will definitely miss my POPPH group, and hopefully as Ayu suggest we can have some nice plans after the elective months. A reunion? Commemorating our entry into the last semester of our medical education? I do pray all of us will get the best result!

p/s- to non-medic friends, sorry for a slighly "medical" content. 

This is how it feels like...

I was driving alone on a bridge across the sea. The destination unknown. Then I realized, the railings at the side of the road is gone, and the sea water has raise up to the point, it’s the same level as the tar on the bridge. I keep driving, afraid of falling into the sea. But the bridge had its own twist, it did a dip into the sea. In front of me I saw a massive pile-up from both directions. I can’t stop, I was going too fast. My car flew into the air, into the sea.

I opened my eyes, "I am drowning". I couldnt get off my seat, I was trapped in my seatbelt. I was just going to die.

I opened my eyes again, and sumhow I was free. I floated up to the surface. There are a lot of other cars, floating in the sea. Waves and tides came and crash, but I was saved. Somehow im flying up in the air. Perhaps there was a helicopter??? (deus ex machina much???)

But I was saved. Then somehow i ended up...in a different dream.

This baton is my keepsake...

If we are in a heartbreak relay, I would like to pass on the baton. I really would like to pass it… but why I keep holding on to it is beyond me. If I can hold to it long enough until the cycle breaks then perhaps this curse will be broken too. Then everyone will have their time to heal, and everyone wins.

Perhaps not everyone will win... that's just too optimistic of me. But I will have the keepsake, and that is the biggest win of all. Even for the price of being broken to smithereens.

Don't you think that a glass broken to smithereens, can still be broken again and again, to be crushed into dust, ground into powdery wisp....Don't you think that it will be more lethal that way? The way it can infiltrate the air you are breathing and cut you deeper and deeper...Oh yes, it can still be broken quite a number of time until you reach the core of its existence.

And the only way for that dust to become whole again is to find a point in space where it can gather and recollect every pieces... to welcome the warmth and the heat from the outside world that it never allow in before... to melt and to hold fast, one piece to another... Then perhaps the glass will become whole again.

Because there is so much warm and shining things in this world.... I won't frown or weep. And I have this baton for my keepsake, and that is the biggest win of all.

Looking for Cinderella...

Assalamualaikum wbt n hye...

I was burrowing my way into my closet, looking for my old jackets and muffler to hand them down to one of my cousin going to the UK soon ... when i found these ....



Hihihi...
They are not Cinderella's shoes or anything of sort... They are a just a pair of shoes and suprisingly matching handbag I got for my prom (bought saperately :p )

So i thought, since they are still kind of in a good condition, I only wore them within the count of my fingers, lets find a new owner for them. And as we were having a huge family event in my house (the house was filled with all my cousins, uncles, aunts and both my grannies) I might as well use this chance. (Oh... there's no ballroom dancing in the event...sadly?) So I took out the box and made an announcement...

"Hear here... For whoever can fit this shoe... you can marry... eh... silap... u can keep this shoes and the handbag."

And the shoe fitting session begin!!!!
Too big, too small.Some almost fit, but still, its a miss... [Even my larger-than-life younger brother also tried but he only managed to fit one of his toe.] Not of of the cousins can fit???? I guess, cinderella story is kinda plausible, haha....

So right now, I have the shoes in Penang, so anyone thinks she can fit the shoe, just come knocking to my door,kay?

-----------

This has made me thinking about the cinderella story too... what if...the story have some underlying meaning. (Some KBKK in progress.....) Like Little Red Riding Hood's story is actually to warn innocent but oblivious girls about the danger of strangers, who act nice and "familiar". Wolf = ppl who thinks not with their brain but their persistent Wolffian duct (which later developed) ... hehe.

Its a story of a guy who is searching for a girl who can fit a certain shoe! Did u fell in love with the feet??? (sumhow this remind me of Sheila's profile pic...) Kidding...

What I want to go into is... what if the shoe is not a physical shoe, its a certain characteristic that the girl has... like, ur shoe is different than other's shoe. Its like, A's shoe is.... she's kind, she's competent and dependable, she have a beautiful smile and she listen well.... And u may have same size of shoes but different style... like other ppl may have the same traits, but the individuality is still there...

And ur shoe changes with ur events, and increasing in size as ur feet size increases... this is just like how dynamic the personality is.

(actually the phrase, "try walking in someone else's shoes." is interesting jugak kn? In this one "shoes" = "condition/circumstances" the someone is in.)

So one day this guy meet this girl... and he kinda like that characteristics (the shoe), but he doesn't really get the girl's identity... and so, he go and look for someone with that's characteristics. dadadada~~~

okay, so back to cinderella's story... What if, the prince goes around his kingdom, and then found someone who can fit the shoe but its not the same girl (Cinderella)... will he marry her??? Haha...

Ill just leave this nonsensical post here.

Home built around you...

Assalamualaikum wbt...

Today I was presented with the honour of spending some time with this good friend of mine. She's a wonderful person, and its been a while since I seen her I actually forgotten how good I will feel being in her presence. And today reminded me of why I like her so much at the first place.

They say that home is where your heart is. Its one of the best place in this whole world, where you belong.... where your heart will feel at ease, with Allah's mercy. If its a blessed home, God willing.

Well, I think being with certain people in this world also, will make ur heart feels like that... Like all the rotten and bad fluid in your heart seems to flow away in a stream....and the holes in your heart is filled with something really good. Your heart feel whole, and its as if a home is built right there where you stand. It doesnt matter where you really are then. Its a comfortable feeling.

(",)v ~~~

Why things happen to them?

Assalamualaikum and hye...

Things happen to us for a reason. And thing happen to them for a reason too.

Some time ago, a grievous circumstances has befallen B. B was soo sad. B reached a dead end. But this dead end only exist in B's mind because that is the only road B knows. The map of B world has suddenly changes and the roads and turns B had familiarised before has seemingly disappear. B was stuck in the cul-the-sac ... it hurts too much to turn back and face the monstrous reality but there is no escape.

B can stay there, frozen in time and call the game quit.

But B decided to call for C. A friend...

C may not do anything much. C was just happen to walk within the vicinity. C haven't even been in that situation. But at least there is 2 of them... (and 2 is better than 1~~~~ lalala) So in the end, C managed to tell B what C knew... C's personal map! There was this narrow path that they can try! Or there is this bush you can cut down to make way. And B... you can always pray to be shown the way, or pray to be stronger! Perhaps... this is just the challenge for B to level up!

The 2 of them might not be able to cull the monster or tame it down.... but in the end... they did find some way around it...

So somehow... B managed to proceed with the journey....

Time passed... Now, character D comes into the picture. Along D's happy journey, D stumbled. Its D's personal dead end! Lucky for D.... B is within the vicinity! And B is more than ready to share the tips to escape the dead end...

And they journeyed happily ever after.~~~~

----------------------

Perhaps something happen to you, just so you learn so much to help someone else in the future. Maybe ur experience can be something inspiring...

And perhaps, your little help and contribution (as C have done) ... will go a long way rather than to touch a single soul ... but go on to benefit other in the future. Who knows! God knows!
A little act of kindness does goes a long way.

With a shared wisdom and truth ...
With the time spend to just being with someone ...
With some money you have given to buy a book a build a shelter, a lot of ppl can benefit!

Its not our job to see how far it will go, but to look for such opportunity. With sincerity, of course.

Lets make this world a better place!

Jigsaw Puzzle of Life

Assalamualaikum and hye....

Sometimes something really bad and sad happened to you eg: Losing something or someone you really hold dear in ur life. Your life may change forever... You might think its the end, coz it shattered to pieces, beyond recognition...

"When your life shattered to pieces, its the time to play jigsaw puzzle...."

Really... you need to paste it together again. But its hard... coz you are missing pieces, and things are all over the place... and some things may not fit the way they used to be.

You may need your time, you might need help...

You might not get your old picture back... But life's jigsaw puzzle has a lot more dimensions to it compared to the one on cardboard... the one on cardboard only have one solution. Has someone already give you the answer to life's jigsaw puzzle? What is the end? We are given examples of ideal end... but as normal human we can only search for the best fit as we can... and i believe there are a lot of way to reach it, its a dynamic process, powered by the way you look at the pieces, and the pieces that you actually collected along the way...

So, frown not. The best answer is in you!

----------------------

Abah used to tell me to take things slowly, to pick the right pieces, one at a time....

"If we start it right,though we may not know how it ends,the jigsaw will fit in one by one.And at the end,walla!! u got this nice picture that can be framed to be shown to others as an achievement."

-------------FIN

Paths.

Assalamualaikum wbt and salam sejahtera~

Paths.

They say, in some point in life, you will come to a crossroad, and you will need to choose your path.

What if all ur life, there's only one "right path" in ur vision, a path well trodden but spiked with thorns and bushes, a path so dangerous you may fall anytime... but that is the only path you ever see...is it cause you would want to sit on that throne that lies in the end of it after seeing the waving regal kings and queens? Or because you think its an honourable paths for heroes or saints and you have what it takes? You feel you are lucky because everything seems to work out even though it is supposed to prick and tear you, but sometimes you survive as if the path is laid below your feet as you walk.... until you reach the steepest point of the climb you have ever been, looking back down the mountains...... into the plains and then realised how vast the world is and how many paths there is in the world, and you can at last see what is on top of other mountains and there's something that you would like more than the ways of your fantasy kings and heroes and saints?

Do you regret because you never consider to take the other path?
Or did you feel lonely because the clouds is too thick and you cant even see others walking by ur side?
Or are you too tired of climbing? Is it too much?
Or are you just losing ur faith as you see how slow you are progressing?

Will you go down and take that other path????
Will you be happy there? Is what you feel is just transient desire or your deepest dreams unearthed?

What will happen to the prayers that put the paths under your feet?
How will you pay for the lifts and rides....the ones you promised you will pay when you reached the top?
All the climb.

If you believe the journey is as important as the destination...will it still bother you? Does the spatial end matter? Or the sum of it all?

Maybe you can just bridge the two mountains... maybe it will lead to a different peak, like a never-ending pyramid, one block on top of another. The world is not only in 3d or 4d after all. Only He knows.

[A Stem and 5 Leaves]: Hearties

Assalamualaikum wbt n hye all...

[Stem and Leaf 1]

Someone took me to dinner this nite...
That person said, "Remind me to give you something later."
"Okay"...

So we finished our dinner, laughing away over funny Mentor audition...walking to the car...
That person gave me this....


It was a pleasant surprise.... there were no ocassions. And it was a well thought gift.

"I saw U watch quite a while at the beads last time ...'nk beli ke x?' plus, U like anything green"
"Hey, You gave me all the plant or some je?"
"Haha... all ler."

I just feel like someone give me their heart. "Take care of it..." a meaning I attached to it.

People gave me their hearts before, they gave me their hope, and their trust.
As much that I said Im thankful... sumetimes I wonder if I really did appreciate them fully,
like they should be appreciated.
To this point of time, I still cannot say that I took care of them properly.
To this point of time, I still cannot say, "hey, rest assured, I won't let you down."
For that I am sorry.
Its frustrating.

Fundamentally I SHOULD be capable of all that.
Coz other people can.
Maybe because, I never reciprocate them fully.
I gave my heart, I laid my hope, i built my trust.
but I always keep a portion to myself....
a stupid blanked around to protect/defend the stupid ego?
Keep a bit so its okay if you lose it later... if you messed up...
Maybe thats why... you always lose it.
Coz you are EXPECTING it.

Have you ever loved, hoped and trusted fully?
Have you ever been truly thankful?
I should learn to do that STAT!


~~~~~~~~~~~
[Leaf 2]


The saddest thing to lose is not the heart of the one you love the most, or the heart of a friend you wish will never forsaken you, or the heart that you hope will shelter you.

Yes...the saddest thing to lose is not the heart of the one you love the most, but to lose YOUR OWN HEART.

Well, in case the person that you love the most is yourself, which is true most of the time... it is more tragic.

If you lose it dear, I hope you will find it soon. (",)v

~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Leaf 3]


Siblings fight. Jealousy. Rivalry. Misunderstanding.
Drifting apart...
In the end of the day, they may not realise there is a bond greater than the fact that they are always together...
but they always come together again.
At least 95% of the normal population. I think (hehe).

Who are the one who will stand for you when the world collapse against you?
Your "real" brothers and sisters!

~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Leaf 4]


Rasulllah s.a.w pernah bersabda bermaksud, " Seseorang itu akan mengikuti agama sahabatnya, oleh kerana itu, setiap orang dari kamu sekalian hendaklah memerhatikan siapa yang ia jadikan sebagai teman."
(hadith riwayat At-Tirmidzi, Abu Daud dan Ahmad.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~
[Leaf 5]

Disebutkan Habib Abdullah bin Alwi al Haddad: Sabdaan Rasulullah s.a.w yang bererti: "Permisalan teman duduk yang baik adalah seperti penjual haruman misk (wangian yang paling mahal dan harum). Boleh jadi dia memberimu, atau engkau membeli wangiannya atau engkau mencium keharuman wangiannya. Sedangkan misalan teman duduk yang buruk adalah seperti tukang besi. Boleh jadi dia membakar pakaianmu, atau engkau akan mencium aroma busuk darinya."
(Hadith riwayat Bukhari dan Muslim dengan matan sedikit berbeza)

Bookaholic Anonymous

Assalamualaikum wbt and hye....



Is there any Bookaholic Anonymous support group out there? I need to refer a patient for help somewhere. Here is her condensed history...

[WARNING: This history may not be reliable as patient is currently in active stage of her problem.]

Presenting Complaint & History:
Miss S, a 23+ year old, (cute) Malay female medical student, admitted herself voluntarily for interview with a chronic history of "excessive need to shop for books".

• Impulsive book buying since 5 years ago when she started getting pocket money from JPA. Started off buying bimonthly comic, graphic novels, novels, some self help and last year ventured to limited edition fan books / hardcover / first edition books (not hardbacks which cost less).
• One severe episode of shopping spree involving going to multiple charity shops and buying at least 30 books in a week.
• Even go to bookstores in foreign countries eg: Germany. And actually bought a german book.
  
• Cannot walk in front of bookstores without feeling compelled to go in.
  
• Once go in must walk trough all isles, check all bestseller and promotional books, buy at least one book or at least read through one whole book. If not done anxiety symptoms will emerge. Seeing new books from favorite authors will aggravate the symptoms.
  
• (Primacy of Books) If given RM 30, will actually ask for another RM 5 coz novels usually cost around RM35. Rather buy books than shop for dresses/shoes/makeups.
  
• Feels that the thought of buying book is so strong it takes a lot to resist it. However, it is ego-syntonic as buying books actually make her feel very happy, looking forward to reading it and not guilty. Do not feel annoyed when confronted about habit.
• Have bookstore club card so she can get discounts...
• Club card has increased the frequency of buying books.
• Feeling depressed when cannot go to Bookfairs...
  
• Preoccupied in thought of making money so can buy more books.
• Go to bookstores to "cool heads / calm nerves". Buying books give more potent effect. Writing her name in the book give intense satisfaction. Finishing a book induce cravings for more.
• Will try to read even in difficult light conditions eg: using handphone lights.
• Read the first thing in the morning for as eye-opener. Using every single free time to read.
• Reduce sensitivity to surroundings when reading. May forget to take meals. Can sit in one place for a long time and maintain reading posture. Residual neck pain after finish reading.
  
• Withdrawal symptoms: No symptoms because never ever tried to cut down the "consumptions".
• Intoxication: Dreams about book content, searching for fan-arts in deviantart, drawing fan-art, google author and new books.
  
• Functional impairment: Financial difficulty (however no problem with Ah Long), relationship problems (read books when she can talk to family and friends.), compromising college performance (urge to read even in exam week resulting in mediocre results).
• Loss of sleeping time at night as cannot sleep unless getting over a cliffhanger. Daytime somnolence and loss of energy the following day.
  
• Impaired judgement: Difficulty choosing between reading novels and lecture notes / textbooks.
• Insight: Fair. Know have problem but don't know what to do with it.
• Have bookstores related fantasies. eg: Wishing someone in the family to marry a bookstore owner. Bookstores sleepovers.
  

This is one sick patient....

Management: Trial of psychological treatments before biological regime. CBT, psychoeducation, addiction caunselling... Socially, Bookaholic Anonymous.

Patient's opinion, "I don't want any of that... can you just give me "Financial Support" (under social management...)??? And for group therapy, I want to join Book clubs...."

END of interview as patient becoming uncooperative and agitated as she feel the urge to read her new Neil Gaiman book.

Disorder of Prematurity

Assalamualaikum wbt n hye...

One not so fine day, my dad msg me on facebook chat, " Can I talk to you about something?"
Messages like that, makes my heart skipped a beat each time.
Then Ill get some anxiety symptoms like palpitations, sweating, increase heart rate, inicrease breathing rate, butterflies in my tummy.
Just anticipating what he's gonna say.
Then you realise, its nothing. Its not that bad.
People can have panic attack just because of the way they think.
Because your thinking effects how you feel, how you behave, and what you will feel, physically.
Try to relax...
Take a deep breath.

Facing reality is always hard.
But most of the time you will be stuck in one place and not moving.
Like entapped in time, but time is wasting away.
And you feel hopeless, worthless, helpless, just because you are unable to face that one thing.
Just one thing and you are denying the prospect of wonderful future in front of you.
Pro and cons...
In the end, the answer is...
GET OVER IT!

~*~*~

He said, its all right to show to others, that you have managed things in a mature way.
I hope I did.
(The managing part, not the showing part.)
I made my choices, based on what I believe.
After a lot of thinking, that is... and hope for divine intervention.
For a sinful heart, is it able to make a choice without Your guidance?
Show us the rightful path, Oh Allah...

But what is mature, mind you?
Wiser than yesterday???
Wiser than them?
Wise enough to act upon ur wisdom???
To do the right thing, when it is the "rightest" choice available.

We make mistakes...
And one mistake can effect not only us.
but without it we never learns, even though it is possible..
but its not whats feasible for mediocre human.
So mistakes I make, to be wiser, to be more matured...
BEAR WITH ME.

~*~*~

Maturity is relative of the past...
Relative between 2 people...
As all the things in life, we just can strive to near perfection...
forever diagnosed with "Disorder" of Prematurity...
but its not that bad.

:)

Unless you regress!

No pet allowed~

Assalamualaikum wbt n hye all...

I think i want a pet.
I missed putting my cheeks onto warm, breathing, fluffy, purring beings...
Listening to tiny heartbeat and let my hand ride the tide and trough of respiration...
Just being there in the same room and feel contented with the silence, the lack of movement, but the little signs of life...
Life...
...shared...
It has been a while.

In this apartment you can't have a pet.
But then, going out in the morning, coming back late, keeping one home might make one depressed...

So I got myself a potted plant...
Lets take care of each other, okay?


-----------------------------

I think there was a brawl in front of the lobby of our apartment. There was shouting, then the police came, then the ambulance, much later...
A lot of passersby was watching. i wonder what has happened.
Maybe if i go to Psychiatric ward a new patient is admitted tonight... or maybe other ward..
What am i thinking...

-----------------------------


Me and my mom haven't get time to proceed with the story book for deaf kids project yet. But I manage to borrow her huge dictionary... hohoho! So I can just browse when I have time. My tablet at home has been having connection wire problem so I can't directly draw the signs into computer... which is more convenient and neat. I'll see if I can get a new one. My bro said after graduating and get job he will buy us the computer that u can directly draw on it. Forget the name. A lot in market already... My current dream is Wacom Cintiq. Okay, I know I don't have a lot of skills, so maybe a high end tool (high end ke???) is not worth it in my hands... i mean, i not worth it to handle such tools, hoho. But its good to dream, right?


----------------------

There are things making me thinks a lot about death lately. No, not suicidal ideation... I mean, death can come to us anytime, rite? The natural and the sudden ones. no one know when he or she will die... If I die typing this, you guys won't even have the chance to read it then. If I die rite now, there are a lot of people I want to apologize to and probably won't have a chance. If I die rite now, there are still a lot of things I want to say but I never do. Secrets may be buried with me, memories and feelings will linger. But what is the importance of that when you die... life of others will still go on. In sadness or happiness, you need to go on.

Of course, what u need to worry about is what you will bring to the hereafter....

Please forgive me if I its not fated for me to say it directly to you then. I'm sorry.

--------------------

Psychiatry rotation is coming to an end. I feel sad coz I truly enjoyed it. maybe its the lecturers effect, hehehe... I think I might consider going down this road... child psychiatry is just fascinating. But then again, I fall in love ever so easily... perhaps this is just a superficial kinda thing. There are a lot more cakes to taste, and I hope to be shown the perfect one to dive in for life... the path is still unwinding... there is still a long way to go (if God permits!)...

-------------------

Goodnite everyone! God bless u.